Life-Saving Freedom

One would’ve thought I’d be wiser by now, but I’m still a fool.

The boy who changed my life forever is finally back in town. And I’m too scared to meet up with him because instead of saying everything I have to say to him, I might just cry the whole day through.

Did I really expect to see him here? Did I really expect that he and I could work things out? Did I really expect him to reply to my texts?

What am I really doing here in Manila? Yes, visiting my lola, seeing relatives and friends. But at the end of the day, I feel unaccomplished, as if I was expecting someting, and I didn’t get it. I think I need to admit it. I expected to see you.

Maybe thats the whole reason why I screw up when a boy comes along; why I freeze, panic, get scared and hesitate… because I’m still waiting for you.

Why do I not know what to do on a date anymore? Why do I not know what to say while texting with a boy I like? Why do I always manage to find a way to mess everything up when a decent, presentable guy comes along?

And sometimes, it’s not me. Sometimes, I actually think the boy is decent, but is he? No. He’ll end up just wanting to make out, or end up being a chick boy —- being sweet to you… and to 5 other girls at the same time. My friends laugh. And at first, I laughed too. They would say that since something always seems to go wrong with all those boys, we’ll know if the boy is “the one” if absolutely nothing goes wrong; if I don’t somehow make a fool of myself, or if dark secrets of his don’t come popping out of nowhere.

When can that one person come along? WHEN?!?

Or is that person really still you?

“I loved you. Yes, I did. I loved you very much,” is what I thought after cleaning through old papers and finding a picture of you and me at prom.

the next time you’re called a liar, or a feeler, and it isnt true, don’t get mad. remember all the times Jesus was called a liar, yet, he let those people say what they wanted to say, because He knew that He was the right one; He knew that God knew, and that was all that mattered.

Dear Family,
Now is when I need you more than ever. I know I may be a pain, with all the sulking and depression, but I can’t do this alone. I can no longer learn on friends, since the ones I thought would be there for me, now aren’t.
In a family, you’ll never feel like the oddball out. You can swear on your life that family has got your back, through thick and thin, through smart and stupid, through hilarious and serious moments.
Whether close or far, I just need family to lean on. :( You guys mean a lot more to me than I show.

I don’t think I’m that horrible of a person. What did I do to deserve this crap?

I wanna leave. I wanna go home. I want to be HAPPY.

:’(

I need you guys, as you’ve always been here for me, no matter what.

A desperate cry out from me,
KC

“Fall on me, tell me everything you want me to be. Forever it’s you, forever in me, ever the same.” - Ever the Same by Rob Thomas

What happens when you feel like the world has been depleted and there’s no one left to lean on?

I tell many people not to give up and that life is worth living.

I need to listen to my own advice.

   In the middle of the chaos which is clubbing, it’s like the world froze, and I smiled. I smiled seeing my friends who finally took a stand, and fixed up their lives.

   Tired of where they were headed, some picked up the call. The call to change.

   Life is fun. But fun without responsibility is going to lead you towards a hard path. A hard journey itself, and an even harder journey to reconciliation, to rehabilitation. Picking up whatever is left, and trying to rebuild your life out of it, is one the most difficult things in this world. I personally believe it is one of the hardest challenges God hurls at us. He makes it so that we get into a deep, seemingly-bottomless pit, and then, He wants us to learn how to clumb our way back up to the surface. Then, and only then, do we really see life. Life how it is supposed to be viewed. Life through the eyes of a person who has been there and back. Life the way it should be lived.

“You can’t play on broken strings.” *

Keeping someone’s hopes up should be a sin. But making those hopes come crashing down deserves 25-years without parole.

I just had the most frank, out-there-in-your-face talk I could ever have.

“I try to forgive but it’s not enough to make it all okay.” *

I’ll try to forget the rude actions, the harsh words used, the things I never thought you’d be capable of doing/saying. But trust me, it won’t work.

“The truth hurts; a lie is worse” *

Why did you have to get people’s hopes up? Especially mine. Why did you say you liked me? Why? Why? Why? We always ask that question. That’s just human nature. Now I have to walk around school and see your darling I’m-a-nice-guy face.

But that’s okay because I’ll be okay. I’ll raise my head high, stand tall, and walk as if I’m invincible. But as usual, under that encasement, I’m a walking train wreck.

“When all you got to keep is strong, move along.” **

I don’t have much to keep strong, but I’ll sure as hell move along.

——

* Lyrics from “Broken Strings” by James Morrison ft. Nelly Furtado

** Lyrics from Move Along by the All-American Rejects

It’s a matter of sense. That’s all it is.

If they aren’t worth your time, then don’t put effort into trying to be worth THEIR time.
There are people out there that say “They aren’t worth my time. Who cares about them.” But then the next time you look, there they are, still talking to those people, still TRYING to be their friend.
I hate people like that. Stick to your word, don’t just say it to seem strong, then disregard it because you changed your mind.

Stay strong. Who cares if the people you used to call as “friends” aren’t your friends anymore? People change. Everything changes. And through time, you realize who REALLY is there to stay, and who isn’t.

What really matters is where YOU want to go in life, and the decisions YOU make to get there.